I know...it’s a bit of a rip off. But it says everything about this trip, this realm of time that I am trying to exist in. It’s a really strange sensation to be here with these people that I love so much and have this gaping cavity where Nancy’s presence used to be. They have accepted me, the one now, as family...even when I’m spinning out...it doesn’t phase them. Complete grace and love. From the kids too....Kyle, Tenille, Mikhail, all have been so amazing..they continually bust me, make fun of me, love me....it’s pretty wonderful and surreal.
So...it has been all over the map...I mean my emotions, my state of being. I had a day that I thought I wouldn’t survive...followed by a day of fun and friends. I saw my good friend Alvin Hendricks in Joburg. Rolf, Alvin, and I had dinner and talked and laughed until 2 am. I went to a little town called Nespruit where I met with the YFC team Buyela (a dance and drama team) and sat with them and composed beats and music for them to dance to...priceless. I will be doing some more work for them before I leave. Some of the most precious people you would ever meet. The next day Rolf and I went to Kruger National Park and saw giraffes, hippos, croc’s, and got right up in an elephants face as he was eating!!! Nothing like seeing them in the wild.....nothing like it!!
And even in the middle of that great time...a thick suffocating blanket of sadness seems to find a way to sneak in and throw itself over me. I fight it each time and usually I can throw it off into the corner where it will lay until the next confrontation. But on somedays I’m done and I’m ready to check out.... I’m convinced it’s spiritual...or more exact..a spirit that plagues me. To some of you that may sound goofy...however what does scripture say?...”we wrestle not...” Right? I don’t claim to know or get it but these attacks that come at me seem to be vicious and personal, more than just grieving because I know Nancy is absolutely OK!! For some reason I think a target has been drawn on my back and those fiery darts just keep coming....just as intense if not more so than the night Nancy passed through to the other side. I think since I have recognized this I will find a way to get out from under it.
Nancy....I miss her....she should be here.... but she’s not and I can’t change that. Loneliness will be a part my life from here on out...but maybe it’s because God wants me to be all His. Maybe He wants my undivided attention. I’ve been reading C.S. Lewis’ The Great Divorce. If you don’t know the writing bear with me....one of the ghosts’ is a mother who has lost a son and is telling one of the Solid people about how much she loved him and that it was not fair or right that he was taken away. That there was no love equal to how she loved her son....compared to other mothers. Well....i felt like God was poking me in the heart, to say “listen carefully son...this is for you if you will accept it”. The Solid Person of Light basically told her that she would never understand true love unless her love for God came first...before her love for her son. It is more complex than that in the story but it is close to the point.
Nancy and I had a marriage and relationship unlike anyone I know.....and to spend the rest of my life looking at older couples and then looking up into the Heavens and saying “God...why couldn’t Nancy and I have had that?” What is so damn wrong about us being able to have that wonderful experience of celebrating let’s say 50 years of marriage? What an honor and what a testimony!! Every time this happens I must....reboot...I cannot let my life sink into endless unanswerable questions. They will be answered......but not here.....I have to come to grips with that and be at peace with it. So...is this all about my relationship with God and how weak it has been? I think in part it is. And the journey to SA has been one of the steps....one of the many. I know I have a long way to go. And I hope to be a story about victory...overcoming the odds. Honestly, I am still OK with God taking me..I think about it every day actually.....anytime He wants, but if there is another chapter that needs to written then so be it. I have become acquainted with the sufferings of Christ. I know only a small portion of what Jesus went through, but I do know in part. And the steps I hope will be ordered by God, that He will direct me and give me a sense of where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to do.
When I went back to Capetown, Kyle, Mikhail and I went to a Rugby game to see the Stormers!! OK...you know I love the NFL but I’m just saying...these rugby guys are as tough as I have ever seen. I mean really...they play football (kind of) with no pads or helmets!! WHAT?? It was crazy and a ton of fun! I could definitely become a Rugby fan....and Cricket too!! hahaha What a strange interesting game that we Americans have no clue about....
Back on the farm now watching Rolf and Lizzie scurry around taking care of things. Picked olives one morning...and just been hanging out with Mikhail and Tenille..love little Mik and of course my beautiful Sweet T.... Going back to Capetown on Sunday and hang out with Kyle (always have fun with Kyle!) and will get to see some of my SA family that I haven’t seen yet. Only 10 days before I leave...already feeling a bit teary about that......
Love to all of you....
michael d.
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